I haven't blogged in quite awhile. My intentions were good. I started off with gusto...okay, so maybe I did with the first post and it was all downhill from there. At any rate, I am here now. With a broken heart. Sometimes it is difficult to know how much to share in with others and how much is meant for your God and you. But I have been struggling the last few months with a close friend. She likes to put out fires. That's a wonderful quality. I don't have it. If you are in a constant state of drama, I am not your girl to call for reinforcement. But she is. Admirable quality. It really is. But to me it seems that unless you have a fire that needs to be put out, she is MIA. And that hurts. I want her to know that while these other people may want something from her, some action, some soothing, ear pleasing words, I don't. I don't need her to validate me. I don't need her to motivate me. I don't need advice on how to live my life...mostly. I just want a bit of her time. I just want to share some time and some laughs with her. I am not looking for her to perform. I just want her time. And not even a lot of it. I am not a high maintenance friend. I have been pondering this issue all night. I can't sleep because of it. Which is why I am sitting here with my computer at 4 am. I don't know what to do. I am certainly missing something here. I must be overlooking an important piece of the puzzle because this just doesn't make sense.
Relationships with humans are messy and I am not typically fond of them. My knee jerk reaction is to walk away. Call it quits. Who needs another headache? Another puzzle to figure out? Another mystery to solve? I don't. That's for sure. Are we both so broken that we can't fix this? A simple and honest friendship lies in the balance. How do you know when to fight for something and when you shouldn't? How do you know that you are investing more into the relationship than the other person? And when is that ok? Am I the one who is at fault, to blame? Am I being selfish? Am I expecting things I shouldn't?
In the end, I can only come to this conclusion. I am me. She is herself. Maybe we don't mix, don't mesh. Maybe this wasn't meant to be. Maybe I should cut my losses. Maybe neither of us is broken. Maybe it just isn't in the cards. Perhaps God isn't a part of this relationship and we were just fooling ourselves. I only know that He made me for communion with others, for fellowship. And I know that a part of my heart will shrivel up and die without a close friend, a comrade in arms. But maybe I am barking up the wrong tree. Let's see what tomorrow brings. In the meantime, if you hear of someone who needs a friend, send them my way. I need one, too.
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