A Higher Calling

Today while I was listening to music and praying, I heard a firm word from God.  Calling me to lay down my differences with others.  Telling me to surrender to Him. I cannot call Him my Lord if I don't listen and don't obey.  I was thinking about the church, the bride of Christ, today.  We are all divided.  Some believe in speaking in tongues while some believe that this is an antiquated practice.  Some believe abstinence from alcohol is commanded in the Bible, while others believe its a personal conviction.  The way I see it, so many times we think that since we disagree on something, we cannot agree on anything.  And this is sad and untrue.  We have allowed our already divided hearts to now divide the family of God.

For me, this word was heard loud and clear.  It's my calling to live a higher standard.  Its not for me to judge nor condemn.  Its not for me to fight battles that I was not called to engage in.  And if I am surrendered to Christ, its hypocritical to ignore His calling.  So, for me, I will be laying aside my differences with others.  I will be surrendering to my Lord.  I will enter each moment and each activity not thinking of what it means to me, but to surrender my thoughts and my words to Christ.  To allow the glory of the Father and the love of Christ to flow through me and outward.  That's my calling.  Its what I am chosen to do.  To do the will of the Father is to my delight.

That's a high standard.  And there is no doubt in my mind that it is actually an impossible task.  But if I was called to this, then God will equip me.  My job is to surrender.  The rest is up to Him and He isn't known for missing an appointment.

Nursing a Broken Heart

I haven't blogged in quite awhile.  My intentions were good.  I started off with gusto...okay, so maybe I did with the first post and it was all downhill from there. At any rate, I am here now.  With a broken heart.  Sometimes it is difficult to know how much to share in with others and how much is meant for your God and you.  But I have been struggling the last few months with a close friend.  She likes to put out fires.  That's a wonderful quality.  I don't have it.  If you are in a constant state of drama, I am not your girl to call for reinforcement.  But she is.  Admirable quality.  It really is.  But to me it seems that unless you have a fire that needs to be put out, she is MIA.  And that hurts.  I want her to know that while these other people may want something from her, some action, some soothing, ear pleasing words, I don't.  I don't need her to validate me.  I don't need her to motivate me.  I don't need advice on how to live my life...mostly.  I just want a bit of her time.  I just want to share some time and some laughs with her.  I am not looking for her to perform.  I just want her time.  And not even a lot of it.  I am not a high maintenance friend.  I have been pondering this issue all night.  I can't sleep because of it.  Which is why I am sitting here with my computer at 4 am.  I don't know what to do.  I am certainly missing something here.  I must be overlooking an important piece of the puzzle because this just doesn't make sense.

Relationships with humans are messy and I am not typically fond of them.  My knee jerk reaction is to walk away.  Call it quits.  Who needs another headache?  Another puzzle to figure out?  Another mystery to solve?  I don't.  That's for sure.  Are we both so broken that we can't fix this?  A simple and honest friendship lies in the balance. How do you know when to fight for something and when you shouldn't?  How do you know that you are investing more into the relationship than the other person?  And when is that ok?  Am I the one who is at fault, to blame?  Am I being selfish?  Am I expecting things I shouldn't?

In the end, I can only come to this conclusion.  I am me.  She is herself.  Maybe we don't mix, don't mesh.  Maybe this wasn't meant to be.  Maybe I should cut my losses.  Maybe neither of us is broken.  Maybe it just isn't in the cards.  Perhaps God isn't a part of this relationship and we were just fooling ourselves.  I only know that He made me for communion with others, for fellowship.  And I know that a part of my heart will shrivel up and die without a close friend, a comrade in arms.  But maybe I am barking up the wrong tree.  Let's see what tomorrow brings.  In the meantime, if you hear of someone who needs a friend, send them my way.  I need one, too.